If Fonzie had an Online Dating Profile

Life back in the 50′s was a simpler time. For one thing, there apparently were no colors, so dressing and decorating were far less complicated affairs than they are today. And dating was done the old-fashioned way – by word-of-mouth references. Certain types also benefited from some strategically placed print ads, but that’s for another article. What I’d like to address today, kids, is what it might have been like if online dating existed back in the Day of the Greaser. Say, for instance, one Arthur “The Fonz” Fonzarelli had an online dating profile. What might it look like? Well, I’ll tell you.

1. You can bet there wouldn’t be some wimpy spiel about long walks on the beach and bubble baths. Fonzie would talk about cruising on his bike and working on cars. You don’t need to share his love of cars. You just need to sit there and look cute, OK?
2. Hair combing would be listed among his favorite pastimes, and his comb would have a separate photo album in his profile. In fact, Brylcreem would probably sponsor his profile.
3. Let’s face it: he’s The Fonz, so there would be no “thumbs down” button anywhere on his profile. Instead there’d be two thumbs up. Aaaay.
4. Fonzie would likely have a guest page where girls could sign in and take a number. Then you wait for him to give you a thumbs up. Got it?
5. You might find Richie, Joanie and the rest of the Cunninghams tagged in some of his photos; but there’d be no Potsies in his profile, that’s for sure.
6. Don’t even think about poking him, by the way. Try sending a wink or a kiss instead. And save that Farmville stuff for Ralph Malph (although Yo-ville might work). Aaaay, Yo-o-o-o.
7. His marital status wouldn’t say single, it would say The One and Only. Where it asks what he’s looking for, he’d say, “I’m not. You’re looking for me.”
8. You would probably have to go through his social secretary, Pinky Tuscadero, to arrange for a meeting. She would screen your qualifications, and schedule an interview.
9. There would be a link to Arnold’s Diner on Fonzie’s home page, where you could request a reservation to meet with Pinky.
10. You would have to correctly answer a questionnaire to qualify for the interview, of course. Don’t fret, it’s multiple choice, so if you’re stuck for the right answer, just go with option …wait for it … Aaaaaaaay!

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