10 St. Patrick's Day Toasts You Don't Want to Hear

Top o' the mornin' to ya! St. Patrick's Day comes but once a year, and it's time to bust out your best Irish toasts. But, pause for a moment, party people. Make sure you're augmenting your fun times, not detracting from them with crappy speeches of dubious worth. Just because it's St. Patrick's Day, and Saturday night, and you're drunk, it doesn't mean that you've got any oratorial talent. Remember these overdone toasts before volunteering to speak, and you'll spare yourself (and everyone else) the grief of the Irish.

1. Anything In A Bad Irish Accent

   All toasts sound great coming from Irish people, especially if they're followed by a shot of Jameson. But if you're not Irish, don't pretend to be — especially on St. Patrick's Day. You're getting too old for the days of fake accents to be cute or in any way funny, unless you're a professional comedian. And if you're reading this list looking for toast ideas, it's damn near guaranteed that you're not.

2. An Irishman is never drunk as long as he can hold onto one blade of grass to keep from falling off the earth.

   Um, what?! This common Irish saying is often used as a toast, but what the heck does it mean? An Irishman, or anyone for that matter, is considered drunk if their blood alcohol content is over the legal limit. Also, if said Irishman was about to literally fall off the earth, it's highly unlikely that a blade of grass would help him, sober or not. Try slurring the words to your favorite U2 song rather than invoking the notion that gravity can't help even the bawdiest of drunks.

3. A Teary Dramatic Reading from Snakes On A Plane

   One of the worst things you can be on St. Patrick's Day is a sad drunk. Worse still? If you stand up at the front of the bar, command everyone's attention, and do your best high school UIL oral interpretation version of the cinematic classic Snakes On A Plane. Think of it this way: if St. Patrick banished all the snakes from Ireland, no one will think twice about banishing you from the pub.

4. Kiss my Derry air!

   Derry (or Londonderry, as it's also known) is the second largest city in Northern Ireland. Don't be "that guy" — location puns can be funny, but this one is seriously played out. Play it safe and avoid going down this road on St. Patrick's Day. What's next? Dub(lin)step? Stick a County Cork in it? As you can see, the cheesy jokes go (whiskey) sour, and how.

5. A Slurred and Hiccupping Masterpiece From The Guy Drinking O'Douls

   It's not that you have to get drunk to celebrate St. Patrick's Day, it's that you don't want to be the world's biggest poseur. Unless you're in high school and you have to be one of the cool kids to impress your St. Patrick's Day sweetheart, don't fake being drunk. Even then don't do it. It's just not cool. Better advice? Don't buy O'Douls. If you don't drink and you want to party for Patty, try your hand at something constructive — instead of trying to impress the imbibers with your wit and wisdom. Hate to break it to you, kid, but if you're drinking O'Douls, you're probably a quart low on both.

6. There Once Was A Man From Nantucket…

   Especially if you're spending your St. Patrick's Day with co-workers or with your in-laws, maybe try not to repeat this crass limerick. Invoking gross imagery, especially if you're three sheets, may be funny — but this little poem from the 1927 masterpiece Immortalia: An Anthology of American Ballads, Sailors' Songs, Cowboy Songs, College Songs, Parodies, Limericks, and Other Humorous Verses and Doggerel is beyond the pale. And, by the way, just where the heck is Nantucket?

7. A Long-Winded Rendering of The Tiny Piece of Your Family History That May Or May Not Be From Ireland

   One of the most annoying qualities that a second, third, fourth, or fifth generation American can do is talk about their genealogy. No one cares if your great great grandmother had O-apostrophe in front of her name, or if you dyed your hair red to honor your (probably fictitious) ancestry. Family tree nerds and drunkards alike should be proud of whatever they think their heritage is, but clamoring for attention and waxing genealogical because you think your grandfather once had an Irish girlfriend or whatever will never go over well. See also: Bad Irish Accents.

8. Any Quote from Boondock Saints

   If you're still quoting Boondock Saints, Road to Perdition, or The Departed, be mindful that you're no longer thought of as cool, edgy, or in any way relevant. While Irishmen and bloodbaths deserve the silver screen, it's almost uncouth to regurgitate the tired pop culture references that got us through the beginning of the 21st century. Sidebar: no one likes your "veritas" tattoo, either. Give someone more reasonable a chance to "Cheers!"

9. Erin Go Braless!

   Stupid. Just stupid. Even if you have a friend named Erin, and even if you think she should go braless, this toast just isn't funny. No one cares that you know the Irish phrase that everyone else knows, and no one else cares that you know the most obvious joke to go along. Spend your St. Patrick's Day turning some other Gaelic phrases, or maybe just give up and drink to avoiding groan-worthy, borderline sexist moments.

10. Champagne for My Real Friends and Real Pain for My Sham Friends!

    Ugh. Everyone's heard it, everyone's said it — and it's probably even been your "About Me" on Facebook. If you're immature enough to make distinctions like these (or listen to Fall Out Boy), do everyone a favor and can it — especially if you're trying to celebrate St. Patrick's Day in socially acceptable style.

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