Wednesday, February 29, 2012

The 10 Worst Love Scenes in Cinematic History

Your sex life sucks. It's OK; everyone else's does, too — even in the movies. It's difficult to communicate the more delicate aspects of romance, especially on film. You'd think that low lighting, sensual music, and long, panning shots of passion would always imply a fulfilling sexual experience, but you'd be horribly wrong. More accurately, sex in film parallels sex in life — sometimes it's great, and sometimes it's comically, comically bad. Take heart, lovers. You're in luck. Whether you need a laugh or a mojo boost, these 10 love scenes should pointedly answer the question, Was it bad for you, too? You might not want to watch these if you're at work or with your kids.

  1. Team America: World Police

    Here's some proof positive that you shouldn't take your love life too seriously. This would be a really hardcore scene — if it weren't performed by puppets. In the South Park creators marionette masterpiece, these two freedom fighters get it on in ways you've only ever dreamed.

  2. American Pie

    What is it about movies with "America" in the title that beg the question of bad sex? In the theatrical version of the first of the comedy franchise, Jason Bigg's character uses his hand to glean the feel of female genitals, while in the unrated version — he goes to town on an apple pie, lending new meaning to the phrase "rode hard and put up wet."

  3. Porky's

    In a classic scene from this cinematic gem, Kim Cattrall's copulatory yowls could not be more gratingly fake. While she certainly deserves props for her lack of performance anxiety before or since (the actress has had quite the career as a symbol of sexiness), this specific scene is best watched on mute — especially if you have roommates. Or parents. Or an ounce of human dignity.

  4. Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy

    "Look! The most glorious rainbow ever."

    "Oh! Do me on it!"

    This love scene is designed to be comically bad — a feat at which it gloriously succeeds. While being in the throes of passion may take you to new heights, it's dubious at best that your carnal fantasies involve a unicorn ride through Pleasure Town. At least Baxter wasn't in the mix.

  5. Showgirls

    In what is largely regarded as the worst sex scene in cinematic history, Elizabeth Berkeley and Kyle McLaughlin demonstrate their love (or lust, as it were) in a swimming pool. Thought it's true that the mechanics of aquatic nooky are somewhat complicated in real life, this scene just makes trying look all the more pointless. Shockingly poorly staged and executed, if you watch this scene with your eye on the geometry and/or physiology of the encounter, it's fairly obvious that more than the cries of passion are being faked.

  6. The Naked Gun

    Wrap it up, people. And remember: safe sex can be good sex. It really can. Unless you're Leslie Nielsen. So concerned is he with the issue of safety, he insists that his coupling involve entire body condoms. This is another scene that was meant to be comically bad — but definitely qualifies as one of the worst love scenes in cinematic history.

  7. Every Thing You Always Wanted to Know About Sex* But Were Afraid to Ask

    Woody Allen is the only person that could take sexy lovemaking so literally. This interpretation involves an army of sperm (played by actors) swimming toward an egg, making for one bad love scene — and one classic film.

  8. Howard the Duck

    "Maybe it's not a MAN you should be looking for."

    Ew. Person-on-duck is exactly no one's favorite love story. In this scene from the George Lucas-produced cult film Howard the Duck, Howard and his human girlfriend attempt to steam up their love behind a curtain. Feel free to watch the video, but the silhouettes alone will send you into a celibacy spiral.

  9. Return of the Swamp Thing

    "I can't give you the kind of love you want."

    "Why not?"

    "Because I'm a plant."

    "That's OK. I'm a vegetarian."

    For shame, Heather Locklear. For shame. And that goes double for you, Plant Man. In a strange mashup of a sexual fantasy with a human man, and biting plant pieces off of the Swamp Thing, this love scene is as creepy as it is inexplicable. If you don't want to see some super awkward plant-on-hot-chick love, then avoid this scene like the plague — once you see it, it can't be unseen.

  10. Any Movie With Jennifer Jason Leigh

    Remember the time before it was patently obvious that Jennifer Jason Leigh took the prize for worst love scenes in all of movies? Can we return to that time? Although it's absolutely true that Jennifer Jason Leigh is talented and beautiful, she's also the queen of bad sex. It's not her fault — would you like to uncomfortably fornicate with Billy Baldwin on top of a fire truck (Backdraft), climb on top of Frank Langella as a mountaineer might (The Men's Club), have sex upside-down with Alec Baldwin (Miami Blues), or dress up as Bridget Fonda to please and then stab the guy from Wings with your high-heeled shoe (Single White Female)? Exactly.

Taken From Best Online Colleges

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