Monday, November 21, 2011

If Charlie Sheen Starred in These Ten Classic Films

There are some movie characters that resonate with us so deeply that we can hardly imagine anyone else in those roles. It’s fascinating, nonetheless, whenever we learn that the star we associate with a role so closely wasn’t even the filmmaker’s first choice. This got us to thinking: what if, say, Charlie Sheen got the first phone call when the following classic films were cast?

  1. The Godfather – Marlon Brando won an Oscar for his portrayal of Vito Corleone, which he famously refused in protest of the treatment of the Native American by the U.S. government. In his stead, he sent Sacheen Littlefeather, an American Indian Rights activist, in full Apache dress. We envision Charlie sending a Hollywood hooker, in full schoolgirl ensemble, to accept the award and thank the Academy for “Winniiiiing!”
  2. West Side Story – In this classic musical depiction of street gangs in 1960 New York, Charlie would play dual roles as both a Jet (as Charlie Sheen), and a Shark (as Carlos Estevez). Musical numbers would include: “I Just Met a Girl Named Yolanda” and “I Feel S***y”.
  3. Apocalypse Now – Again replacing Brando, in the role of Col. Kurtz, Charlie confronts Capt. Willard (real-life dad, Martin Sheen) who in this version brings along the entire Sheen/Estevez clan for an intervention. Charlie balks, and chooses to remain ruler over a village of glue-sniffing pygmies who are convinced that he is Elvis Presley.
  4. Sleepless in Seattle – Wired from a 3-day cocaine binge, Sheen, replacing Tom Hanks as Sam Baldwin, takes the advice of his daughter (played by Lindsay Lohan) and goes to the top of the Empire State Building in New York to meet a girl he found on a sex chatline.
  5. JFK – In the role of Lee Harvey Oswald, Sheen makes a last-minute demand for more money to assassinate the President, and is replaced by a second shooter on the grassy knoll, played by Ashton Kutcher. Oswald instead marries a Russian porn star.
  6. The Wizard of Oz – In the title role, Charlie finds himself once again reigning over a vertically-challenged citizenry, this time in Munchkin Land. Using the mystical powers of tiger’s blood and flying monkeys, Charlie the Wizard sends ex-wife Dorothy back to Kansas where she belongs. After an attempt to extort a higher salary as Mayor of Emerald City, Sheen is voted out of office and replaced by Ashton Kutcher.
  7. Patton – Charlie leads American troops into France ahead of British Field Marshall Montgomery, in time to discover a quaint little Paris brothel and an amusing bottle of 1939 chateaubriand. After an unfortunate slapping incident involving a local working girl, Sheen is demoted by Eisenhower and replaced by Gen. Omar Bradley (played by, wait for it … Ashton Kutcher).
  8. Field of Dreams – Succumbing to the relentless voices in his head that implore him, “If you build it, he will come”, Sheen tears up his corn crops and replaces them with poppy and marijuana. Unaware in his drunken stupor that he was supposed to build a baseball field for the arrival of Shoeless Joe Jackson, Charlie Kinsella loses the farm to, you guessed it, Ashton Kutcher.
  9. It’s A Wonderful Life – As George Bailey, Sheen is given a glimpse of what life would be like if he weren’t around, courtesy of his guardian angel, Clarence (played by Chuck Lorre). In order to gain a better appreciation for what he’s got, George is replaced by you-know-who, and life goes on in Kutcher Falls …. we mean Bedford Falls.
  10. Scarface – This version remains remarkably true to the 1983 film, with one exception. At the end, when Charlie Montana is surrounded by thugs hired to kill him, the final blow comes from a shotgun blast fired by an assassin played by, all together now: Ashton Kutcher.
Taken From Cable TV Providers

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