Wednesday, November 30, 2011

10 Reasons Kids Shouldn't Eat Boogers

You might think that this would go without saying, and maybe it should, but in light of recent developments we feel it necessary to reiterate: Kids should never eat boogers. Sadly, despite our best efforts for a booger-free nation, this trend continues. We cannot sit idly by and watch a generation of American youth pay through the nose for our own failings. This scourge we now confront, mind you, is nothing to sneeze at. Parents, you may choose to believe it’s a passing fad; but we’re here to tell you, it’s snot.

So for those of you who need further proof, here are 10 reasons why your kids shouldn’t eat boogers:

  1. Boogers are an entry drug. – Just as marijuana or alcohol can lead users to experimentation with harder drugs, booger-eating frequently escalates to shared booger-eating, booger raves, and binge boogers. From there, it is but a small step for booger-eaters to graduate on to anchovies. The horror. The horror.
  2. There go all my defenses. – Just what do you think those little nose-snots are doing there in the first place? Why they’re protecting your little snot-nose, that’s what. And from what? From him inhaling foreign debris like dust and bacteria, that’s what.
  3. Ingredients – So when little Timmy starts mining for nose nuggets, guess what else he’s doing, Mom. He’s not only opening up his nasal passages and lungs to all sorts of infections – he’s eating boogers that are filled with them too.
  4. Save room for dessert. – Did you know that the human nose and sinuses manufacture up to 2 liters of snot, per day? That’s a godawful lot of between-meal snacking if you ask us.
  5. Children are starving in Africa. – So we’re not, like, suggesting that you make a care package loaded with boogers to ship overseas; but how can you expect to help eliminate world hunger when you’ve got your fingers up your nose?
  6. Cavernous Sinus Thrombosis – Yeah, you bet it sounds scary. And if your kid keeps digging for nose candy, he’s liable to puncture his nasal cavity and wind up with a case of this. Are ya feelin’ us now, booger boy?
  7. Nosebleeds – In addition to that nose cavern rhomboid thing, your little ones are risking other issues like nosebleeds, which could lead to anemia; or something called nasal septal perforation. That’s just a fancy term for digging a hole right through your nose, while probing for snot snacks.
  8. Blood Pressure – Considering the high percentage of salt content in the average snot-ball, we’d venture to guess that a steady diet of same would create some hypertension issues for Junior at some point. Not to mention for you too, the moment you discover that the kid’s high school yearbook photo shows him two-knuckles deep into a booger harvest.
  9. Mucophagy – That’s the clinical term for picking one’s nose and eating the schnoz oysters. It’s also the term used to describe the feeding on mucus of fishes or invertebrates, a common practice of sea lice, for the love of God. That just can’t be a good thing.
  10. How good can it be, really? – If there were any value or pleasure to be derived from booger-eating, trust us, Madison Avenue would have latched onto it ages ago. You would be seeing “Booger. It’s What’s For Dinner” ads during Super Bowl half-time; X-Men would have included Mucus Man in their ranks; McDonald’s would have been offering Tater-Snots with happy meals for years now, and Ben and Jerry would already have ice cream flavors called Booger Tracks and Snot Swirls.
Taken From Au Pair

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