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Late Night Cries Uncle After Trump’s Coronavirus News Conference
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Say Uncle
President Trump continues to address America’s growing coronavirus crisis, at one point saying that he disagreed with the decision to bring infected passengers on the Grand Princess cruise ship ashore for quarantine. The late night hosts thought that was misguided, verging on cruel and unusual.
“Trump is saying that he doesn’t want the passengers off the ship, because their illness might make him look bad. [Imitating Trump] ‘Look, if they come ashore, then we’re responsible for them, but if we send them to international waters, then they’re Aquaman’s problem.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“I’m sorry, but keeping people trapped on a cruise ship even if they don’t have coronavirus should be an impeachable offense, because nothing good ever happens on a cruise ship. You never — never once — have heard a positive news story about a cruise ship. You never read the headline, ‘Cruise ship’s toilets work great.’” — SETH MEYERS
In that same news conference, on Friday, Trump claimed he had such a good handle on the coronavirus that, instead of running for president, he could have been a “supergenius” like his uncle, John Trump, who was a professor at M.I.T.
“So you think you know about science because your uncle was a doctor? People don’t just automatically know what their uncles know, otherwise we would all know the lyrics to every Steely Dan song.” — SETH MEYERS
“By the way, I’m not sure Trump has a natural ability for science, especially considering that he thinks scientific knowledge can be passed down through his uncle.” — TREVOR NOAH
“I don’t care how smart your uncle was — epidemiology is not genetic. You don’t get your mother’s eyes and your father’s Ph.D. Knowledge does not get passed down. That’s why, no matter how much we all know it now, future generations are going to have to learn for themselves that you’re an idiot.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
The Punchiest Punchlines (Ted Cruz’s Self-Quarantine Edition)
“Senator Ted Cruz announced yesterday he’s placed himself under self-quarantine because of the virus, so every cloud has a silver lining, I guess. Ted calls it a self-quarantine, others call it having no friends.” — JIMMY KIMMEL
“After being near someone who had the coronavirus, Texas Senator Ted Cruz said he will now work from home. Yeah. Yeah. When asked for comment, Ted’s wife and two children said, ‘What a [expletive].’” — CONAN O’BRIEN
“Yeah, because coronavirus was at CPAC, four Republican lawmakers are quarantined and can have no human contact. And Ted Cruz is like, ‘What’s human contact?’” — TREVOR NOAH
“What’s really concerning is if it turns out multiple people in Congress have that corona contact, they might have to send all of Congress home, which would be a disaster, because if there’s no one in Congress, then who would be left to not pass any laws?” — TREVOR NOAH
“And once again, we’ve learned it’s never good when the words ‘coronavirus’ and ‘Cruz’ are in the same sentence.” — JIMMY FALLON
“Cruz has no symptoms, but just to be safe, he has said that he will be self-isolating. Yes, adding, [as Cruz] ‘In fact, just to be safe, I’ve been self-isolating for years. That’s why I eat alone in the Senate cafeteria, I had no friends in college, and no one came to my birthday party when I was 6.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT
The Bits Worth Watching
“The Daily Show” correspondent Jaboukie Young-White explains how to not catch the coronavirus.
What We’re Excited About on Tuesday Night
Emily Blunt will talk about her new film, “A Quiet Place Part II,” with Jimmy Kimmel.
Also, Check This Out
In case you missed it, Elizabeth Warren stole the show on this weekend’s “Saturday Night Live.”
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